Federal authorities raided the Clinton Foundation main office in New York this morning, leading to the arrest of Chelsea Clinton. According to our source at the scene, She was screaming and crying and threatening the agents serving a perfectly legal warrant:

“Ms. Clinton started shouting ‘do you know who I am? I’m Chelsea f***ing Clinton!’ Like we didn’t know or something. So we detained her for our own safety and for hers.”

Clinton spent most of the afternoon in the back of a police cruiser trying to kick the windows out like that’s a real thing you can do. After about three hours, she was found slumped in a corner after working herself into such a tizzy that she needed a lil’ nap. Police refused to divulge whether or not Ms. Clinton snores or drools, calling that information “too personal” for the mainstream media.

According to the Clinton Foundation’s attorney, Art Tubolls, there will be hell to pay:

“This was a personal assault by a petty president. What the hell did the Parks Department think they were gonna find? Ms. Clinton was humiliated and embarrassed in front of her entire office not only by being falsely detained and physically abused, but with an invasion of her personal space at work.

Nobody needed to see her Chad Kroeger poster. It was just cruel.”

Tubolls says Clinton was released with the Department’s full apologies and presented with a lifetime pass to Yellowstone, which helps the healing process but isn’t nearly enough. “They will pay,” he told our reporter, “They will pay dearly.

Nobody was charged and no evidence was collected.